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Video of Sarah's Car Crash

For the last week or so, I have found myself craving more information on that night. I wondered what the car looked like before the crash and morbidly I wondered what it looked like after the crash too. I kept telling myself to dismiss those thoughts but I kept thinking that if she had to go through it, the least I could do is bring myself to look at it.

Images of what her last moments must have been like constantly flash through my mind every time I blink for too long or when I am lying in bed at night before I fall asleep. Now at least I know for myself what really happened.

Click here for the video

It's not enough to say that I miss her every day. It's the holiday season and I find myself looking forward to seeing her again at Christmas and thinking about what I might get her for a gift. The last time we saw eachother was on Christmas last year and I just can't seem to make myself want to celebrate it this year. Like somehow if it's been less than a year since I've seen her she's not so far away. But if I actually go to my grandma's house for Christmas like we did last year, and sit there where we sat together last year, it somehow makes it all real and permanent.

I really worry for my mom. She's taking it real hard. Life has not been good to her in a lot of ways and she's not treating herself very well recently. It's hard for me to talk to her because the conversation always turns to Sarah and then I have to face that she's gone.

When my dad died I was devestated but for some reason Sarah's death is affecting me much more. I'm not sure why but I think it has to do with the fact that my dad was old and so he was going to die during my lifetime anyway but Sarah should have gone to MY funeral 50 years from now, not the other way around.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I'm so sorry- if you ever need to talk- really I'm always here! Or even just a hug- you have a lot of weight on your shoulders right now- I'm so sorry! But know that I am thinking of you ;)! I hope your thanksgiving was good and you gave that little baby of yours some yummy grub!
December 2, 2008 at 7:18 PM
Jaime said…
I am so sorry Jenn. I wish there were words that could ease your pain, even in some small way. But I know there are none. I miss you and I love you.
December 2, 2008 at 8:49 PM
Dara McFarlane said…
Oh Jennifer! I love you, you have been in my prayers constantly... I wish there were some way to ease the pain.. you're welcome, if it makes it any easier, to spend the holiday's with my family. If you need anything, at all, you know im' here.. and i really am here! not in Idaho!
December 4, 2008 at 11:05 PM
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